Monday, December 29, 2014

Forgetful Soul

Why am I so forgetful? 

Why does my soul wrestle for my way and burn with anger when it does not come? 

Who am I that I should even ever have my way? 

Girls are memorizing James. Yes, five chapters. It's crazy. The way the Word implants and sinks into souls. My soul. Turns my head, this stubborn head, and helps me remember. What is important? What is good, pure, true? It's all there, in the Word. And as I writhe in my soul-tantrum, because I want what I want, the Word comes to me soft and Spirit-filled, "The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." (James 1:20)  

Thank You, Jesus. 

And ouch. He reminds me (again.) that I am not focused correctly. Whenever I am looking through my flesh-eyes rather than my Spirit-eyes, I am dying. I am literally focused on death and dead-things and so much chaos that it rises and overwhelms and overcomes. But I have more in my arsenal. By Grace my Sword grows each year and so He whispers again, but from Romans this time, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21) 

Thank You, Jesus. 

And I can remember why I do this crazy thing. Why I spend hours reading and memorizing Scripture. 

Because when my evil flesh rises up within me or when spiritual evil rises up around me, I have a weapon with which to fight the darkness. I have a Sword that will not be overcome. I do not need cower in fear of death, evil, persecution, depression, discontentment, or any other thing that is not from Christ. He supports me, He uplifts me, He reminds me. We are committing James to memory. We are committing the Bible to memory. One by one, each verse, each chapter, each book. It is crazy. This implanted Word.

So, as I ponder these things today, my anger at the uncontrollable subsides. I am not in control. That is okay. I cannot change some things. That is okay. More than okay, they can be the beautiful things that drive me to my knees and into His throne room:

My husband will not see my way. God, unite our paths and desires! 

My children will not obey. God, give me grace with them! (For, am I always obedient?) 

My friends do not visit or call. Father, help me to be that friend that does! 

Whatever I am struggling with, I know I need just bring it to Him. I can take these seemingly uncontrollable things and place them in the hands of the One Who controls the universe. I do not need to fight for my way. He wills my way. I can trust that He will take care of my path and lead me to the best place possible. These things I know but remembering them in the moment, this is the challenge. Realizing that, then and there, I can stop and give thanks for it all. This is the key. Ann Voskamp says it, "All is grace," and He reminds me in each moment. It. Is. True. 

So, Father, help me to remember, I pray. Help my soul not to wrestle for my way but, rather, to yield to Yours. Not to burn with anger at the uncontrollable, but to thank You for the gift that the uncontrollable surely is. Help me to strive for Your Way, knowing that it is infinitely better than mine. Remembering the words of the prophet, "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, whose thoughts are fixed on You!" (Isaiah 26:3) 

And thank You for reminding this forgetful soul.....again.